ESFJ and INTP: Compatibility, Love, Marriage, and Romance
ESFJs and INTPs are very different personality types who perceive the world and interact with others in vastly different ways. On the surface, they may seem an unlikely pair, but ESFJs and INTPs have a lot to offer each other.
I.COMPATIBILITY
Though not generally considered highly compatible with Myers-Briggs personality types, ESFJs and INTPs have the potential to complement one another in many ways. Partners in successful ESFJ/INTP pairings acknowledge and even embrace their differences, seeing them as opportunities for personal growth.
SUMMARY CHART: ESFJ AND INTP COMPATIBILITY VERSUS POSSIBLE CONFLICTS
| COMPATIBILITY | POSSIBLE CONFLICTS |
| ESFJs and INTPs both appreciate creativity | ESFJs and INTPs have different needs regarding socializing |
| These types complement one another’s strengths and weaknesses | Traditional versus progressive values |
| ESFJs and INTPs are empathetic personality types | Different communication styles |
| The ESFJ can keep their INTP partner grounded | ESFJs and INTPs have different tolerances for disorder |
THREE REASONS WHY ESFJs AND INTPs ARE GOOD FOR EACH OTHER
Though very different personality types, ESFJs and INTPs can potentially be very good for each other in many ways. Three of the ways ESFJs and INTPs may be suitable for each other are:
- ESFJs and INTPs have complementary communication styles
- These types can cover each other’s blind spots while making plans
- The practical ESFJ can help the imaginative INTP stay grounded
From how they express themselves to the subjects they tend to prefer, ESFJs and INTPs communicate very differently; that doesn’t mean their communication styles are necessarily incompatible, though. In fact, ESFJs and INTPs often enjoy relatively harmonious communication.
ESFJs and INTPs are well-placed to cover one another’s blind spots when planning for the future. INTPs tend to prioritize the overall goal, sometimes at the expense of crucial details; the opposite is true for the ESFP.
INTPs are creative problem solvers who sometimes get carried away with less-than-practical ideas. An ESFJ partner can help the INTP discern which plans are worth their valuable time and effort.
THREE REASONS WHY ESFJs AND INTPs ARE NOT GOOD FOR EACH OTHER
Not all ESFJ/INTP relationships will succeed, of course; three reasons ESFJs and INTPs may not be good for one another are:
- These types have different social needs
- Traditional versus progressive values
- ESFJs and INTPs have different tolerances for disorganization
ESFJs and INTPs have very different social needs. As extroverts, ESFJs relax and recharge through social activity; the opposite is true for INTP. This mismatch can cause problems for ESFJ/INTP parings if both partners aren’t sensitive to the other’s needs.
Another reason ESFJs and INTPs may not be good for each other is their values. ESFJs are generally traditionalists who take comfort in the status quo; INTPs tend to be agitators, always looking for ways to improve on what exists.
ESFJs and INTPs also have different tolerances for chaotic environments. INTPs have a higher tolerance for disorder than their ESFJ partners; this situation usually results in the ESFJ taking care of most of the cleaning and straightening up around the house.
COMMUNICATION
Effective communication is a hallmark of every successful human pairing; nothing can sink a relationship as fast as a breakdown in this area. ESFJs and INTPs express themselves very differently, and it will take some compromise on the part of both partners in an ESFJ/INTP relationship for this couple to thrive.
WHERE ARE THEY STRONG, AND WHY?
ESFJs and INTPs have different styles of communicating, but, like many extrovert/introvert pairings, they often fall into a comfortable enough back-and-forth, with the ESFJ doing most of the speaking and the less expressive INTP primarily playing the role of listener. This manner of communicating generally suits the ESFJ/INTP couple, with each personality playing to its natural strengths.
WHERE DO THEY HAVE PROBLEMS, AND WHY?
The above mentioned speaker/listener dynamic serves the ESFJ/INTP couple well enough under most circumstances; there will be times, though, when more is required of both partners. When discussing important issues, for example, the INTP is likely to find they have more to say than usual. There will also be times when the ESFJ will require more than the usual amount of feedback.
HOW MIGHT THEY IMPROVE COMMUNICATION?
The ESFJ/INTP couple looking to improve their communication shouldn’t find it particularly difficult. Each partner must be willing to go beyond what is usually comfortable when the situation warrants it, which means the ESFJ must curb their tendency to fill gaps in the conversations. The INTP, for their part, must be willing to engage more fully in significant conversations, setting boundaries if necessary to be sure they’re getting their fair time.
WHERE DO THEY CONNECT? WHY?
Having such fundamentally different personality types, ESFJs and INTPs aren’t likely, when first meeting, to find much about the other to get excited about. Generally speaking, it will likely take more than a chance meeting or mutual attraction to bring these personality types together. On the first meeting, the ESFJ may see the INTP as impractical or even reckless; conversely, the INTP may see the ESFJ as too button-down and conformist.
ESFJ AND INTP: VALUES
ESFJs and INTPs are personality types that feel quite strongly about their values. Both types value loyalty, honesty, and creativity, but that’s about where the similarities end.
THREE THINGS AN ESFJ VALUES
- Tradition
- Organization
- Social interaction
ESFJs are traditionalists who take comfort in the systems that have served humankind thus far; they are skeptical at best about change. INTPs, on the other hand, are constantly seeking ways to improve what exists.
Organization is also highly valued by ESFJs. In their environments and schedules, this type prefers things to be in order. As extroverts, ESFJs also place a high value on socializing. Unlike their INTP counterparts, ESFJs are energized by time spent with others.
THREE THINGS AN INTP VALUES
- Innovation/positive change
- Time alone to recharge
- Learning new things
Perhaps above all, INTPs value positive change through careful analysis and innovation. This type looks to shake up the existing system and will happily flout the rules if they feel doing so will result in positive change.
Like all introverted personality types, INTPs value time by themselves. Unlike their ESFJ partners, INTPs find socializing taxing and need a reasonable degree of solitude to recharge.
Often lifelong learners, INTPs value intellectual stimulation and discovering new ideas. This type will likely keep up with the latest advancements in science and technology and may take classes to supplement their knowledge.
HOW DO THEIR VALUES MATCH UP?
There isn’t much overlap in the values of ESFJs and INTPs. Under the worst conditions, these personality types are likely to be suspicious of one another’s motives; under healthy conditions, both partners can expand their perspectives and grow as individuals.
LOVE LANGUAGE/LOVE STYLE
Despite their vast differences in personality and communicative styles, ESFJs and INTPs show their love in very similar ways; in fact, the top two love languages of these types are the same.
WAYS ESFJs SHOW THEIR LOVE
- Spending quality time with their significant other
- Speaking words of affirmation
- Performing acts of service for their partner
The most common way ESFJs express love for their romantic partners is by spending quality time with them. The second most common way is by speaking words of affirmation.
ESFJs are “doers” who believe actions trump words. It’s fitting, therefore, that this type would choose to perform acts of service to express love for their romantic partners.
WAYS INTPs SHOW THEIR LOVE
- Spending quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Through physical touch
Like ESFJs, INTPs most often show love by spending time with their partners and offering words of affirmation. The third most common way INTPs express love is through physical touch.
ESFJ AND INTP IN BED
ESFJs and INTPs share intense sexual energy. ESFJs experience the world primarily through the filter of their senses; for them, sex is all about being completely in the moment. INTPs, on the other hand, look for a deeper connection with their sexual partners. When the INTP feels comfortable with their generally more assertive ESFJ partner, they will usually be happy to let them take the lead in bed.
II. ESFJ AND INTP COUPLES/MARRIAGE
HOW DO ESFJs AND INTPs MATCH UP IN LONG-TERM ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?
ESFJ MALE AND INTP FEMALE
Though ESFJs and INTPs are generally not rated highly in compatibility, the ESFJ male/INTP female couple has at least a reasonable shot at long-term happiness. Problems may arise, though, if the INTP female feels she doesn’t get enough conversational time to make herself heard. Conversely, it can also be problematic if the ESFJ male feels he must constantly needle his partner into participating.
ESFJ FEMALE AND INTP MALE
This pairing, too, has a reasonable chance for long-term fulfillment. In the ESFJ female/INTP male couple, there’s a danger the more organized ESFJ female may feel she has to “mother” her romantic partner; the INTP male, on the other hand, may feel needlessly troubled by his partner’s seeming obsession with organization.
III. ESFJ AND INTP CONFLICTS
Every relationship will have to deal with its share of conflict. How a couple chooses to resolve conflict can be the difference between a failed relationship and long-term contentment.
POSSIBLE AREAS OF CONFLICT, AND WHY
There is no shortage of areas that may potentially cause the ESFJ/INTP couple problems. When conflict arises between these two personality types, often it’s for one of the following reasons:
- ESFJs tend to be traditionalists; INTPs embrace change
- These types feel very differently about organization and time management
- ESFJs and INTPs have different needs socially
ESFJs and INTPs feel very differently about change, which is likely to cause at least some degree of conflict for ESFJ/INTP couples. ESFJs may be put off or even alarmed by their partner’s willingness to embrace change, while the INTP may find their ESFJ counterpart too willing to “go along to get along.”
Organization and scheduling can be another source of potential trouble for the ESFJ/INTP relationship. In their physical environments and their schedules, INTPs value order. ESFJs have a higher tolerance for disorder and prefer to leave room in their schedules for some spontaneity.
These two personality types have different needs regarding socializing, a mismatch that may cause the ESFJ/INTP couple some difficulty. Partners in a healthy ESFJ/INTP relationship appreciate the needs of the other and make accommodations when possible.
HOW DO THEY RESOLVE CONFLICT?
Though feeling types, ESFJs are usually practical enough to realize the emotional response is rarely the best. Neither they nor their thinking counterparts are likely to become overly emotional when resolving conflicts. That said, ESFJs usually prefer to address potential problems at once, while INTPs tend to put off potentially troublesome topics.
HOW DO THEY BUILD TRUST?
Generally generous and warm, ESFJs often must learn the hard way not to trust too easily. This type naturally attracts people to themselves; unfortunately, some will want to take advantage of the ESFJ’s kind nature. Once this has happened once or twice, the ESFJ becomes more guarded about whom to trust.
INTPs are more reticent to trust right out of the gate than their ESFJ counterparts. Independent and introverted, this type will only trust people who have proven trustworthy, and even then, they will build trust only a little at a time.
IV. ESFJ AND INTP FRIENDSHIPS
Considering how little these types have in common, one could be forgiven for assuming ESFJs and INTPs wouldn’t make terrific friends. On the surface, that would seem to be the case, but ESFJs and INTPs form and maintain brilliant friendships all the time. Successful ESFJ/INTP friendships make the most of their differences and can become very powerful as a result.
ESFJ VERSUS INTP: APPROACH TO FRIENDSHIP
As noted above, ESFJs are genial, outgoing types who draw others to themselves naturally. Regarding friendships, ESFJs are very straightforward: they look for people they can count on and are game to accompany them on some of life’s journeys.
INTPs, on the other hand, are more particular about choosing friends. Above all, this type seeks friendships with people who spark their intellect and open their minds to new ideas.
ESFJ AND INTP FRIENDSHIP DYNAMICS
Though these two types aren’t likely to become fast friends due to one or two meetings, ESFJs and INTPs who bond over a common interest, shared employment, or a mutual friend often learn to see value in the other’s perspective.
WHAT MAKES THEM GOOD FOR EACH OTHER AS FRIENDS?
When ESFJs and INTPs can see beyond their considerable differences, they can actually be quite good for one another as friends. In many ways, these two disparate personality types complement one another’s strengths and weaknesses, making them more potent as a unit than they would be individually.
For example, the ESFJ can offer a compassionate check on some of their counterpart’s more unrealistic ideas while helping them flesh out those with merit. On the other hand, the INTP can help the traditional ESFJ recognize when change is necessary.
COULD THEY BE CLOSE FRIENDS?
Despite their many differences, ESFJs and INTPs can and do become close friends. Both personality types value loyalty and genuineness and appreciate those values in others.
WHAT ARE SOME AREAS THAT MIGHT CAUSE THEM PROBLEMS AS FRIENDS?
Every friendship has its ups and downs, and there is no shortage of reasons conflict may arise between ESFJ and INTP friends. Different communication styles need for socialization, and values are just three areas that might cause an ESFJ/INTP friendship trouble.
Like ESFJ/INTP romantic couples, ESFJ/INTP friends will have to be willing to do some compromising in the communication department. Both friends will have to curb their natural tendencies and respect the other’s style of communicating if this friendship is to stand the test of time.
Nor is an ESFJ/INTP friendship likely to thrive if both parties don’t understand and respect the other’s different needs regarding socializing. The INTP friend will have to be okay with the ESFJ socializing without them sometimes, and the ESFJ will have to acknowledge their INTP partner’s need for time alone.
Their vastly different values are also likely to prove troublesome for ESFJ/INTP friends. A successful ESFJ/INTP friendship must be okay with disagreeing on certain important issues.
