INFP and ESFJ: Compatibility, Love, Marriage, and Romance
Complex and deep, the connection between the INFP and ESFJ is one that is built on mutual respect. Because they are both feeling types, both the ESFJ and INFP are highly empathetic. This makes them an excellent emotional match.
The individualistic INFP and the grounded ESFJ can make a great pair. Though there are many differences between them, they have the potential to build a relationship based on mutual compassion, trust, and friendship. That said, given their differences, these types always have to put in some work in order to achieve this desirable connection.
Overall Compatibility of INFP and ESFJ
Generally, INFPs value having the freedom and flexibility to navigate their lives however they want to. ESFJs, however, usually prefer to live a more organized life that is built on having a routine and a sense of direction. For this reason, they’re not the most natural partners.
Additionally, while ESFJs are more people-focused and often make decisions based on what’s best for those around them, INFPs typically use a more self-centered approach to decision-making.
These differences can be quite frustrating for these two types as the INFP can find the ESFJ too rigid and overly concerned about what others think of them, while the ESFJ can find the INFP to be too lazy and see them as caught up in their own desires at the expense of other people.
INFPs usually want a partner who they can feel comfortable with and talk to. Also, because they can often feel unsure of themselves when it comes to practical matters, having a supportive and grounded partner is important to them as well.
ESFJs, too, want to feel comfortable with their partner and connect with them on a deeper level. They take relationships very seriously. For an ESFJ, having a partner who is present, reliable, and attentive is important.
| Compatibility | Possible Conflicts |
| Both are feeling types | They have disparate communication styles |
| Both are good at solving problems | Different values could cause trouble |
| Each has strengths that could compensate for their partner’s weaknesses | The ENFJ’s energy level may be too much for the INFP to keep up with |
3 Reasons Why INFP and ESFJ can be Good for Each Other
Given the traits that these two types possess, there are a few reasons why they can be good for each other:
- While their feeling functions are focused in different directions, they are both essentially feeling types.
- They both can be good problem solvers.
- Their differences can help balance each other out.
Both INFPs and ESFJs are feeling types. This is an important trait for them to share because it provides an area where they can connect and understand each other. While thinking types often want to solve their partner’s problems rather than just being a shoulder for them to cry on, feeling types understand that sometimes you may just want to rant and aren’t looking for any solutions.
In successful relationships between an INFP and an ESFJ, they will appreciate having a partner who understands this point, and they will be happy about the level of comfort that’s possible in a relationship between two feeling types.
That said, while INFPs and ESFJs are both feeling types, their energies are focused in different directions. INFPs have Introverted Feeling (Fi) in their cognitive functions stack, while ESFJs have Extroverted Feeling (Fe). What this means is that INFPs’ feelings are focused inward, while ESFJs focus theirs outward. In other words, INFPs tend to center themselves more when it comes to their emotions and making decisions while ESFJs tend to place others first.
At first glance, it may seem like in a relationship between an INFP and an ESFJ, the ESFJ is getting the short end of the stick because they are with a selfish INFP partner, but it’s actually not that simple. These personality types, compatible or not, are deeper than what meets the eye.
A relationship between an INFP and an ESFJ can certainly end up with the INFP always being selfish while the ESFJ is constantly making sacrifices in order for them to work. However, there is also another possibility at play here that can strengthen them both immensely, especially the ESFJ.
While INFPs (and other Fi types) can be too selfish, ESFJs (and other Fe types) can be too selfless and too concerned about what others think of them. Sometimes, Fe types can get so in the habit of sacrificing themselves and their own wants and desires that they lose sight of who they are and what it is they actually want. They can also fail to go after things (be they a person, interest/hobby, or an opportunity) because they are concerned about what someone else may think or want.
Being selfless and putting others first at times is important, but so too is being selfish occasionally, and INFPs and ESFJs have the potential to teach each other these essential lessons.
As listed above, one of the other reasons why INFPs and ESFJs can be good for each other is because they can both be good problem solvers. INFPs are often more intellectual and practical than they are given credit for, and their creative ways of thinking can lead to them coming up with innovative solutions to solve problems.
The intellect of ESFJs is often undervalued because they tend to avoid the abstract and limit themselves to just what’s “real.” Their inflexible thinking often leads others to see them as intellectually simple, but ESFJs can be great problem solvers, especially when it comes to managing and organizing practical affairs.
This combination of INFP’s creativity and ESFJ’s practicality can result in them being a great team and incredible life partners.
The final reason why INFPs and ESFJs can be good for each other is that they can balance each other out. The ESFJ’s extroversion can bring the INFP out of its shell, and the INFP’s laid-back approach to life can get the ESFJ to slow down sometimes and enjoy the fruits of their labor if they are willing to listen. Additionally, ESFJs can help INFPs get out of their heads and actually achieve the goals they’ve wanted to accomplish but haven’t taken seriously enough yet.
INFPs can sometimes be quite ambitious, but they get stuck in the planning stage or struggle with being reliable and following through with their objectives. ESFJs can help them to improve on this if they are willing to take their advice.
3 Reasons Why INFP and ESFJ might not be Good for Each Other
Given how different they are, it’s not surprising that there are a few reasons why INFPs and ESFJs may not be a good match for each other.
- They communicate differently.
- They have different values.
- Their energy levels can be incompatible.
As intuitive types, INFPs love to think about and discuss abstract topics. ESFJs, however, are more concerned about what’s concrete. As a result of this difference, the INFP can feel like their conversations with their ESFJ partner lacks depth, while the ESFJ can feel like their INFP partner’s thoughts lack common sense.
INFPs and ESFJs also have different values, and since they are both very passionate, they can struggle to get past their differences in beliefs because they both may feel too strongly that they are right. INFPs value freedom and the flexibility to do what they want, but ESFJs value organization and having a set schedule or routine. This approach to life opposition can be problematic.
ESFJs, aka social butterflies, also desire social stimulation in a way that INFPs just don’t. Having an active social life is an important part of their daily life lifestyle. So, they often have their social calendar filled with events, plans, and trips that their introverted partner may try to avoid. Although this difference in basic function can cause some issues, the INFP – ESFJ relationship can thrive if the INFP agrees to come out of its shell.
Because ESFJs feel strongly about wanting things to be structured and orderly, they can nag and micromanage those around them to get them to do what they want. And if that fails, an immature ESFJ can resolve to use manipulation to get what they want. This behavior obviously clashes with INFPs’ desire to be free and live a flexible life.
If the two of them are unable to compromise, their relationship will likely either not last long or will be long-lasting but unhappy.
The final reason why INFPs and ESFJs may not be good for each other is that they have different energy levels. Of the extroverted types, ESFJs can be some of the more extroverted people, and they can be quite needy of those around them.
Because they value connecting with others so highly, even if it’s on a superficial level, ESFJs can be very talkative and hyper. INFPs, though, value plenty of time alone and typically do not do well with energetic people. They want meaningful relationships but tend to avoid the drama that can happen within large groups.
The ESFJ, being an extroverted feeling type, may take INFP’s need for time alone as a personal affront to them and get offended by their INFP partner’s need to distance themselves from them. In addition to this, the INFP partner being a Fi type, might ignore their ESFJ partner’s feelings and just focus on what they want: being alone.
If things spiral out of control, the INFP partner may ghost the ESFJ and silently end the relationship because they’re overwhelmed by their ESFJ partner’s need for attention and reassurance and don’t want to deal with it. Personal relationships, especially intimate relationships, can suffer when this kind of stonewalling happens.
Communication
INFPs tend to communicate in abstract ways, which ESFJs don’t hold much value in. This can be a sore spot for them and hinder their relationship with each other. So, differences in communication styles are definitely something that must be worked through in the INFP – ESFJ Relationship.
Also, because both INFPs and ESFJs are feeling types, when conflicts arise, they may either avoid talking about their issues altogether or their conflicts can dissolve into being who can be the bigger victim with each partner only sharing how they’ve been offended. ESFJs, as extroverted feelers, may eventually cave and give in to what the INFP wants, but resentment and frustration will almost certainly follow.
While this may sound like gloom and doom, these intuitive feeling type of people can make reliable partners when their personal values align.
Where are they strong, and why?
Where INFPs and ESFJs are strong is in their ability to solve problems as well as in their potential shared appreciation for each other’s humor. When INFP and ESFJ couples lead their conversations with their reason and intellect rather than their feelings and emotions, they can communicate well. If they aren’t blinded by their other subjective feelings and perspectives, they can better notice what the other person brings to the table, and it can be easier for them to compromise and come to a consensus.
Additionally, despite their differences in how they see the world and communicate, INFPs and ESFJs can often have similar senses of humor and can find each other’s jokes and antics to be funny.
Where do they have problems and why?
Though INFPs and ESFJs can be good listeners, they both struggle at times with feeling heard by the other person whenever there’s a conflict in their relationship. They both may also feel like their partner is looking down on them sometimes.
For INFPs, this feeling may come when they try to share their dreams and visions with the ESFJ, and their ESFJ partner questions the logistics of their thoughts or behaves unenthusiastically about what they’re saying. For ESFJs, this feeling may appear when their INFP partner appears uninterested in their conversations because the INFP wants the conversation to have more depth while the ESFJ is discussing something the INFP finds to be boring or shallow.
Also, while ESFJs usually can be good listeners, they are also quite talkative, and sometimes their desire to talk can overshadow their willingness to listen. INFPs, being quieter and slower to communicate, can easily be dominated in conversations by the ESFJ and may end up forced into a listening role when they would like to share their points of view too.
Another area where they may have problems is in their occasional mutual avoidance of conflict. This behavior can lead to them letting problems fester and become bigger when they could have just resolved them from the start.
How might INFP and ESFJ improve communication?
Though communication can be a problem area for INFPs and ESFJs, it doesn’t have to stay this way. INFPs and ESFJs can improve their communication with each other by doing the following:
- INFPs need to share their thoughts more openly, and ESFJs need to give them time to share them.
- ESFJs need to be more honest about their true feelings and desires, and INFPs need to be more open to making some adjustments based on ESFJs’ needs.
- Both INFPs and ESFJs need to hold their conversations with each other with compassion as a guiding principle. They both can be quite kind and considerate, so they should conduct their conversations from the position of being compassionate rather than leading with conflict already in mind.
Where do INFP and ESFJ connect? Why?
INFPs and ESFJs connect on their shared sensitivity and sense of humor. They also can both be quite romantic and sentimental individuals. Remembering important dates and celebrating big events and holidays may be something that they both enjoy.
INFP & ESFJ: Values
Both INFPs and ESFJs have strong values, and this can make their relationship more difficult sometimes.
3 Things an INFP Values
- Freedom and flexibility
- Time alone
- Change
3 Things an ESFJ Values
- Routine
- Connecting with others
- Tradition
How do the Values of INFP and ESFJ Match Up?
INFP and ESFJ values don’t overlap much at all. While ESFJs value tradition and routine, INFPs seek out freedom and change. INFPs are typically quirky and unpredictable, while ESFJs desire to fit in and often stick with tradition. Also, while INFPs prefer to stay home rather than go out and need a lot of time alone, ESFJs value social interaction and desire to spend a lot of time with their partners.
Love Language/Love Style
INFPs and ESFJs have similar love languages and love styles. The top three love languages for INFPs are quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch, while for ESFJs, they are physical touch and words of affirmation. ESFJs value quality time as well.
Ways INFPs Show Their Love
INFPs show their love in the following ways:
- Being supportive
- Giving their partner space
- Showing care and empathy
Ways ESFJs Show Their Love
INFPs show their love in the following ways:
- Lavishing attention on their partner and doing things for them
- Being consistently devoted and affectionate
- Remembering important events and special dates
INFP and ESFJ in Bed
Both INFPs and ESFJs see sex as more than a physical act. INFPs can be more open to experimenting in bed than ESFJs often are willing to be. ESFJs should consider being more experimental or unpredictable in bed.
INFP and ESFJ Couples/Marriage
INFP Male and ESFJ Female
The INFP male can feel overwhelmed by the ESFJ female’s energy and attention. He may desire more space and choose to pull away a bit to put some distance between himself and his ESFJ partner.
The ESFJ female may notice this distance forming and become insecure about it, digging her claws in deeper. This action may drive the INFP male further away and bring about the end of the relationship if they can’t find a way to their personality type differences.
The ESFJ female may have to bear more of the emotional load in the relationship, and if they live together, that of the household as well. This is unfair to the ESFJ and may frustrate her because she wants more support and cooperation from her INFP partner.
The INFP male may feel that because he doesn’t care about things being organized and structured, he shouldn’t have to do those things for the sake of the ESFJ, who is the one who cares about it. This dynamic can throw a wrench in the relationship.
ESFJ Male and INFP Female
The INFP female may be drawn to the ESFJ male because of his warmth and comfort with physical affection. The ESFJ male, however, may become more demanding of the INFP female’s time than she can handle, and he can become needy and controlling as a result of her need for freedom and space. This behavior, of course, will only drive her further away, and the relationship can become toxic.
The ESFJ male may want more reliability and reassurance from the INFP female. INFPs can be flaky, and this can be upsetting for ESFJs who tend to put their all into things, especially into relationships that really matter to them.
INFP and ESFJ Conflicts
Conflict is sure to erupt at some point in any serious relationship. The following are some possible areas of conflict for INFPs and ESFJs:
Possible Areas of Conflict (and Why)
- The INFP personality type can be too idealistic and put their partners on a pedestal, and then when their partner fails to live up to the perfect image they created of them, INFPs can end up getting disappointed and taking it out on the ESFJ.
- Both INFPs and ESFJs can be too emotional. When conflicts arise, they can be more focused on their own immediate emotions than on resolving the conflict.
- Both INFPs and ESFJs can struggle to hear criticism, even if it is necessary and correct. This is especially true for ESFJs who care deeply about what other people think of them and need constant words of affirmation and validation from others. Their shared sensitivity to criticism can make resolving issues difficult because they can both get offended when the other shares their real thoughts and feelings about issues.
- INFPs can be lazy and impractical, frustrating ESFJs and leaving them with more work to do. The ESFJ partner may feel like they have to hold the INFP’s hand and take care of them like a parent.
- ESFJs, despite not liking criticism themselves, can be very judgmental. This double standard can annoy and frustrate INFPs, who find this to be hypocritical. Also, the ESFJ’s judgmental behavior can feel stifling and controlling to the INFP.
How do INFP and ESFJ resolve conflict?
INFPs and ESFJs can resolve conflict by being more open to compromise and finding ways to improve their communication with each other. Understanding each others’ cognitive function and the way they “tick” can help as well.
How do INFP and ESFJ build trust?
INFPs can build the trust of ESFJs by being more reliable and selfless. Additionally, INFPs can strengthen their ESFJ partner’s trust in them by communicating more effectively; an INFP should work on being more detailed in their thoughts and realistic in their approach to thinking.
ESFJs can build the trust of INFPs by being more appreciative and encouraging of their thoughts and creative ideas. ESFJs can also strengthen their INFP partner’s trust in them by being more understanding and supportive of their dreams and ways of approaching life. This can add to a healthy relationship.
INFP and ESFJ Friendships
Despite their differences, INFPs and ESFJs can make warm and supportive friends, and their friendships can often be even better than their romantic relationships.
INFP vs. ESFJ: Approach to Friendship
INFPs are usually slow to connect with others, but they may connect with ESFJs faster than normal. Both INFPs and ESFJs take friendships seriously, and an INFP may feel amazed by just how loyal and kind ESFJs can be.
INFP & ESFJ Friendship Dynamics
Both INFPs and ESFJs can be warm, physically affectionate, and good listeners. Their friendship dynamic can be one that’s very comfortable and built on them balancing each other out and filling in each other’s gaps. The INFP may feel like they have someone to help them achieve their goals, and the ESFJ may feel like they have a place to let out their deepest worries and feelings.
What makes INFP and ESFJ good for each other as friends?
Their shared warmth and emotional openness can make them good for each other as friends, in addition to their ability to listen and stand by as a shoulder to cry on.
Could they be close friends?
Yes, INFPs and ESFJs can be close friends and can have a friendship that lasts a lifetime.
What are some areas that might cause them problems as friends?
Deciding their schedule when going on trips and making plans together can be areas of conflict for INFPs and ESFJs as friends, since INFPs can like to go with the flow and be shaky on sticking to plans, while ESFJs want everything to be organized and hate when there are unexpected changes to the plans.
